GENDER REVERSED FULL HOUSE - PILOT
by bethansg
Summary: Dani Tanner asks her sister (Jessie Katsopolis) and her best friend (Jody Gladstone) to move in to help raise her three sons, Donald Jay (aka DJ), Stefan and Michael after her husband Sam dies in a car accident.


Dani Tanner asks her sister (Jessie Katsopolis) and her best friend (Jody Gladstone) to move in to help raise her three sons, Donald Jay (aka DJ), Stefan and Michael after her husband Sam dies in a car accident.

"Okay! Are we going to have fun or what?" Said Dani "Hey, hey, hey! Let's see some smiles. Everything is going to work out super great. Your Aunt Jessie is moving in; my best friend Jody is moving in and you know what that means... That means that you two are going to get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?"

"I can play with all DJ's toys!" Exclaimed Stefan

"Do I have to share my room with him?" Sighed DJ

"Honey, it's going to be just like having a slumber party." Said Dani

"Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves!"

Just then Jessie walked through the front door, "Hey! Look alive! Aunt Jessie's here!"

"Aunt Jessie!" yelled the boys

"All right! Hello! DJ, how you doing? That tooth come in yet?"

"Nah."

"That's okay," said Jessie, "one less to brush."

"Hey, Jessie," said Dani, "You missed breakfast; where have you been?"

"I know; sorry," said Jessie, "Last night, after my gig at the smash club, I go for a cruise on my Harley, right? Next thing I know, I'm in Reno. It was dark - who would have known? Then, I happened to wander into this casino. And I see this incredible guy Vincent, right? Our eyes meet."

Dani looked at the boys, concerned at what they might be hearing

"Ba-boom," Jessie continued, "this lightning bolt of passion shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vincent is on his way to the Philippines, and is dying for one last night of good old American -

"Food, food!" Dani interrupted, "He was hungry, right?"

"Oh yeah. He was starving."

"Aunt Jessie, let's play wrestling." Said Stefan

"Aunt Jessie doesn't want to play wrestling."

"Yes she does…"

"No she doesn't..."

"Yes she does..."

"No she doesn't!"

"Yes she does." Said Stefan, pretending to cry

"How do you play wrestling?" asked Jessie

"Fight!" yelled Stefan

Jessie roughhoused with Stefan for a minute before letting him pin her.

"Okay, that was fun."

Jody entered carrying a pile of laundry, and makes a noise, imitating a trumpet

"Hi, Jody." Said DJ

"Hey Jody, this is the best; you're moving in!" said Dani, taking the pile of laundry from Jody.

"Thanks, Dani. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes."

Dani dropped the pile of laundry, which she now knew to be dirty

"Jessie, long time no see." Said Jody, "Now be honest. Did you ever think we'd end up being roommates?"

"Not once."

Jody walked over to the alcove, "Dani, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny."

"Jody, this is not a tiny room," said Dani, walking over to her, "This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that you're living in for free."

" You know, now that I take a close look at it, it's enormous... 'normous... 'normous..." said Jody, "We are gonna have so much fun, aren't we, kids?"

"Do you think we could catch Grandpa at the airport?" asked DJ

Dani took Jessie upstairs to show her Stefan's old room where she'd be sleeping.

" Nice, huh? Roomy." She looked at the wrestling stickers on the wall "Very masculine"

"Oh golly, it's swell."

"Look, Jessie, I just want you to know that having you and Jody here really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody's here who cares about the boys. You know, they're so happy you're here. Oh, God bless you!"

She pulled Jessie in for a big hug.

"Okay. Dani, listen," said Jessie, wriggling free, "Sam was a great guy, and I love the kids, and I'm happy to do what I can."

Dani hugged her again.

"Aah, you're hugging me again. Now listen; you and me, we'll sit down; we'll set aside a special time for hugging. But not now." She opened the closet, and sees that the closet rack is too low "Oh great, I live in Webster's room!"

DJ and Stefan are in their new bedroom, which they now have to share...

"Rule number one," said DJ, "never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule number two, never set foot in my half of the room." He gesture toward the yellow barrier he had just tied across the room

"How do I get out of here? Asked Stefan, realising that the door was on DJ's side.

"Easy." Said DJ "You jump off the window and climb down the tree."

"I don't think so."

"Suit yourself."

"I'll find a way out..." said Stefan.

Dani and Jessie entered the room just as Stefan started to climb the curtain.

"Stefan, what are you doing?" asked Dani

"Just hanging around."

"Come on, honey, get down from there."

Jody entered the room and saw the yellow barrier tied across the room, "All right! Limbo!"

"This is a nightmare." Said DJ.

"Uh, DJ, honey, I told you everything is gonna work out super great. I'm sorry. I've got to get down to the station." Said Dani "Try to watch my sports report this afternoon. Today starts my special two-part series entitled, "Boxers : Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?"

Later, Jessie and Jody were in Michael's nursery, where Michael was crying

" Oh, Michael, little baby waby." Said Jody in a baby voice "What's the matter? Aunt Jessie, what are we gonna do?"

"First, we stop talking like a munchkin." Michael continued to cry, "Hey, shut up!"

" Wait, I'll handle this. I'm a comic; it's my non-paying job to cheer people up." She put on a Kermit the frog voice "Uh, Michael, it's me, Kermit the frog. Now, uh, you don't want to cry, do ya?"

Michael continued to cry

"Wait, he'll love it. I call it, 'The Sprinkler." Jody drank some water, and started to spit it out, like a sprinkler. Meanwhile, Jessie grabbed a little umbrella and covered Michael.

"Tough room." Said Jody "Jessie, what if he needs to be... uh... changed?"

"Check it out. Go"

Jody looked at the inside of the diaper

"We have a winner. Now what?"

"Jody. Put yourself in his place. What would you want done?"

"I've never changed a diaper." Said Jody

"Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I'll show you how it's done.

She picked up Michael.

"I'll take the south end," Said Jody.

Jessie and Jody walked out of the room, heading down the stairs, into the front room, and then into the kitchen"

"Showtime!" Said Stefan as they passed him in the living room.

Jody went to put the baby in a pot, but was stopped by Jessie

"Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Jody, this is a living thing. You don't stick it in a pot; use a meat rack."

"I'm an idiot."

They placed a very confused Michael on the meat rack.

"Are you gonna cook Michael?" asked Stefan.

"We're changing his diaper." Said Jody

"Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?" Asked Stefan.

"Stef! Jody and I are busy." Snapped Jessie, "Jody, strip him. All right, careful there. You're in control. All right, slide it off and... ugh!"

Jody put the dirty diaper into a plastic bowl and put the lid on the bowl.

"Good thinking, Jody, keep it fresh." Said Jessie.

"Okay, hold him up; I'll clean him off." Said Jody.

Jody tried to shoot water at Michael to clean him off.

_"_You're missing! You're missing! You're missing!" yelled Jessie.

"You know these babies have it made? I would kill for this kind of service." Said Jody.

"Ok, where are the diapers?" asked Jessie

Jody held up some paper towels, "Hey, super absorbent!"

Jessie and Jody span Michael around, wrapping the paper towels around his butt and then covered it with a plastic bag.

"Works for me." Said Jody

"Not bad, but next time try these," Said Stefan pointing to the packet of diapers next to him.

"Stef, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers?" asked Jessie

"Nobody asked me."

Later, Dani comes home from work to find Jessie and Jody in the living room surrounded by a large mess.

"Hey guys, how'd it go today with - whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?"

The doorbell rang

"I'm sorry, but every time we fed him, he'd drool, or dribble, or spit up." Said Jody.

"Your baby's a pig," said Jessie going to answer the door. Jessie opened the door, and Vincent is standing in the doorway

"Vincent, have mercy. I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines."

"Oh, well, I am, but the airport's fogged in." Said Vincent "So, is that offer to stay with you any time still good?"

"Oh, it's more than good. It's... uh... amazing!"

Stefan ran up to Jessie, "Hi, Aunt Jessie. Ready for more wrestling?"

"Uh... we'll play later, okay?"

After a two second pause he says "Okay... it's later!" and tries to attack Jessie.

"Listen; why don't you go upstairs and play wrestling with your brother," she said.

"I can't. He moved out."

"Stefan, honey," said Dani, "what do you mean, 'He moved out'?"

"He's gone," said Stefan, "he rolled up his crepe paper and took off."

Everyone ran up to the boys' bedroom and sure enough, all of DJ's stuff was gone.

"You lost my son? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost thirty-three percent of my children?" yelled Dani, "Jody, call the police. Jessie, start driving around our neighbourhood. I'm gonna call up DJ's friends."

"And I'll go get DJ." Said Stefan, turning to leave.

"Stefan, honey." Said Dani.

"Yes, mommy?"

"Sweetie, do you know where DJ is?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Nobody asked me."

Dani, Jessie, and Jody went into the garage, where DJ is on the telephone with Jimmy Gibbler.

"DJ, can I talk to you?" said Dani

"Jimmy, hang on." He turned to Dani, "I'm talking to Jimmy Gibbler. He called me on his own phone from his own room. He has three brothers."

"DJ, you don't want to live in the garage. It's filthy... it's stuffy..."

"You want some fresh air?" he said opening he garage door.

In a firm voice Dani said, "Donald Jay, I want you back inside right now this instant." in a milder voice she said, "is that okay?"

"No thank you, mom." He returned to the telephone, "So Jimmy, where were we?"

"Nice job, mom." Said Jessie sarcastically.

DJ sighs, "Jimmy, I'll call you later." He hung up the phone.

_"_Mommy, the baby's crying." Said Stefan, coming downstairs "He's got that thirsty look in his eyes."

"Okay, honey. I'll be right up. Jody, would you mind warming up the baby's bottle?"

"Well, not at all," said Jody, "Although with this particular baby, it might be simpler just to pour the milk directly into the diaper." She followed Stefan upstairs.

"Jessie; I got to go check on the baby; won't you just stay here with DJ? Talk to him; I'll be right back. You're his Aunt - try to be parental, or something." Dani went upstairs.

"Parental. That's cool. I can be parental. I got parents." Said Jessie "YOU, You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, DJ, I don't blame you for wanting your own room. But you got to understand; this world's not a perfect place. Bruce Willis has a record deal. But then a Vincent shows up at your door, and it all evens out. You know what I'm saying?"

"Yeah."

"Good, so you'll move back in?"

"Nah."

"Nah! All right, I'll speak the language you understand. Five bucks if you'll move back."

"Fifty."

"Ten."

"Forty-nine."

"A buck? You went down a buck?"

"Okay, it's back up to fifty."

"All right, my final offer : twenty bucks."

"Twenty-one. Vincent's waiting..."

"Fine" Said Jessie, handing over the money.

Dani, Jody, Jessie, and Stefan were in the front room. Jody was busy putting her things away in the alcove

"All right, DJ is moving back in." said Jessie

"He is? That's fantastic! What did you do?"

"I have a very special way with kids."

Jessie started to go upstairs

"Uh, Jessie, hang on. Vincent's not upstairs."

Jessie came back downstairs

"Where's Vincent?"

"Well, uh..."

"He's history." Said Stefan.

Jessie covered Stefan's ears

"What the hell did you do with Vincent?"

"I didn't do anything with him. I just told him that with three little boys in the house, I thought it would be better if he slept on the couch. And he left."

"You hate me, don't you."

DJ entered the room

"Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa. Vincent is gone," said Jessie, "the deal is off. I want my money back."

"What money?" said Dani

"The money Aunt Jessie paid me to move back in."

"That's your special way with children - you buy them off?" asked Dani.

"It works. Kid, money."

"Fine, I have other sources of income." Said DJ, "I'll go back to my new room and have a garage sale."

"DJ, wait. DJ." She handed Michael to Jessie and she and Stefan followed DJ into the kitchen.

"DJ, come here. Can't you just try sharing your room with your brother? Your dad was always so good at this stuff how would he have handled this?"

"He would have caught me before I moved into the garage. He knew everything I did before I did it." He said sniffing.

"What is it, honey?"

"It's just not fair. First, I lose my dad; then, Grandpa leaves; now, I even lose my own room? Everything keeps disappearing."

"I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you boys miss your father, because I miss him too, very much. But you still got me."

"You got me, too." Said Stefan.

"You got Michael, and you have your Aunt Jessie, and Jody. DJ, we're still a family, and now is when we really need to stick together. DJ, you and I, we go back a long time - ten years. The ten happiest years of my life. So look; it's up to you. Either you move back inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team."

" I'll move back in."

"I love you, honey. You too, little man." She hugged both boys.

They go back into the living room "Good news. Aunt Jessie, our deal's back on." Jessie goes to take out the money, "I'll put it on your tab."

"Aw. Is this great, or what? These boys are crazy about you." Said Dani.

"Oh, sure. I rough house; I give them money."

"Uh... uh..." mumbled Michael.

"Now what's the problem?" said Jessie

"Oh, there's no problem," said Dani, "he's singing. Michael loves music."

"Music? I'll handle this..." said Jody, "_Ooh... Flintstones... meet the Flintstones_...

Jody joined in "_They're a modern stone-age family_... Everybody sing along!"

"_From the... town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. . Let's ride... with the family_ _down the street. Through the... courtesy of Fred's two feet... When you're with the_ _Flintstones you'll have a yabba dabba doo time. A dabba doo time. You'll have a gay old time_."


End file.
